It’s amazing how long it has been since I’ve written or posted anything on this blog.. Initially the absence was because of me spending so much time on my qualifying exams, but then it turned into me being in a deep terrible funk.
So let me give you a brief recap — I did not pass my qualifying exams and it was a major blow to my desire for the degree and confidence to be successful at anything. I did not want to do anything related to my doctoral degree — I mean I had to really push myself to complete my spring courses. I had my crying moment and then my denial moment and my who cares moment… and honestly still have a little bit of the “who cares” lingering in my head/heart. Immediately after the oral defense and being told “you have not passed” I was ready to halt the degree process and just go get a job… decided that hey I can still teach and help adult learners be successful in mathematics without the degree. But then I realized how would it look to my children — their mother being a quitter and then having regret if I never earned the degree.
So I dusted myself off and decided to get back on the horse and try this thing again. I have a major uphill climb just to perform a second attempt and thankfully my coursework is complete so I can just focus on the exams. My first step is to rewrite my exam responses based on what my committee members provided during the oral defense and written feedback. This is my mission between now and early July which prevents me from rushing or getting overwhelmed..I will be eating/sleeping the rewrites… and then at some point switch into a whole brand new set of questions and redo the qualifying exam process.
I can honestly say one thing that really frustrated me after the experience and discussing it with people — was to hear people state how it was to much for me to juggle with the girls and school and my fellowship responsibilities… It was like people using my children and role as a single mother as the cause of my outcome. SERIOUSLY — my children are never a negative cause.. if anything my girls adapted to the circumstances and let me focus on my responses…The only words I can say about it is that my personal aspect was not the source of my demise..
So I am back to being the PhD single mom and now focused on getting over the qualifying exams hurdle. Trust me I will be blogging from here on out with some absences every now and then.. but here is my first step back on the saddle. I leave you with this powerful quote image — which is what has helped me get out of my funk and push on.